A Year

I can't believe a year has gone by now since my father passed away. I lie here on my bed feeling numb and half hoping that the longer I stay up the further away tomorrow becomes. I know this is not true, although I long for it to be. Why is it that these time markers seem to mean so much? Why is it that yesterday didn't hurt as bad as tomorrow already is? Yes, he was not the best father in the world, and yes there were times where I even questioned if he loved me, but none of that changes the fact that he was my father and that reason alone is enough to make me love and miss him. I wish I could make the tears stay inside or that I could will the ice cream to truly take away the pain, but alas no matter how much "comfort" food I eat or how many times I say "I'm fine", they still come and it still remains. Waiting for Friday to come, so that Thursday will be gone, for this year anyways.

Reflections at Thanksgiving

As I sit in a coffee shop in my hometown, supposedly studying, my mind is racing with the many thoughts about this past year. As I learned the news today about a friends father unexpectedly passing away, it immediately brought to mind what happened in my life exactly a year ago on the 3rd, my own father's passing. It's so unbelievable to think that it was almost a year ago now that he passed away. Crazy to think about the spiral of events that happened after his death and even just in the past few months. I never expected to have surgery or to move off campus. I never really thought that I would struggle with school as much as I am or that I would actually find more joy from sitting at a desk writing letters than I do writing papers. I know, this is supposed to be happy, supposed to talk about how thankful I am, but in truth there are times I wonder why I am happy, why I give thanks or even continue to believe in God. I know when I look back on my life there are times when I should not have believed in him, when I should have cursed God and died, but I didn't because through out everything, I could always see his hand at work in my life. Even in the darkest of nights when life was so pitch black I couldn't see my own hand in front of my face...I somehow could still feel his loving arms holding me close to his chest. So, as I sit in this coffee shop, "studying", I find myself truly grateful for such a loving God who shows me his many blessings all along the way. Thank you to the Father, Son and Holy Spirit this Thanksgiving for your love, grace, mercy and never ending faithfulness. I am truly blessed.

In Case of Fire

Or water leaking through your ceiling...

We are often asked the question on tedious questionnaires, if there was a fire what are the few items you would make sure to grab. This morning, I got some first hand experience at figuring out the answer to that question. We didn't exactly have a fire, but after being woken by the fire alarm and finding water leaking profusely from every possible means in our ceiling (including the fire alarms), we called maintenance and when they didn't respond, 911. While on the phone with them we realized that the water was even coming out of our plugs. We were informed to unplug everything and get out of our apartment.

So, what do you take with you when you have an apartment full of things and you have no idea if you will ever actually see them again? This is what I grabbed:
1. My computer (which includes almost all of the photos I really wanted to keep)
2. Clothes for the banquet tonight and church tomorrow (including a few extra pairs of unmentionables)
3. The only photo album I had with pictures of my father in it
4. The Bible I have had for several years with all my underlining, notes and special meaning as it has gone on several mission trips with me
5. My prayer journals, the two most recent ones because there is a lot of stuff in there!
6. Paper work for the premarital counseling I am giving and for my current classes
7. My wallet and car keys
8. Tooth brush & tooth paste, flat iron, some makeup
9. My camera and cell phone
10. My roommate...cause she is also one of my best friends and I sure was not going to lose her...fire or no fire, she was coming with me!!!!!!!!

So what would you grab...you should figure it out, cause you never know when you might be awoken by your fire alarm!

Change

So, it has been way too long since I last blogged. My topic this evening and that has been on my mind lately is change. Immediately upon writing that word a song pops into my head (shocking I know): You know a change, change, would do you good, a change would do you good. Why am I thinking about change? Because my life is full of it.
In July, I moved across the hall into a single room because frankly, I wanted more privacy and a place to retreat to, instead it mostly became a place for me to hide out from the world and eat my feelings and emotions. I would come back from work, plop in front of the TV with whatever random food I had for dinner and sometimes do homework. That is where I would stay until I went to bed, without interacting with anyone except the people on my computer screen (an occasionally yelling at the TV). Needless to say, when school started I had come to a point of craving other people and when new students began to move in, I clung to them like they were the remedy to my new found addiction of loneliness and self-indulgence. However, that could only last so long. I am someone who needs time alone to refresh and re-energize and with all the people who had latched onto me as well, I began to feel smothered and longed to once again be able to retreat to my safe and secure crutch of food and solitude. However, even those were to be removed as food was now making me so sick I couldn't sleep or move and solitude was a thing of the past with the constant stream of people wanting to hang out with me and be with me (even if only for the cable). So I began to search for a happy medium. With a new confidence from my shorter hair and an idea that was coming to fruition, I realized that in order to have solitude and yet fellowship, I needed to get away from my life on campus. Once it became sure that Bekah would be moving back to the area, we began a search for somewhere to live. Although there are things that make living on campus attractive, there are benefits to being at a distance from the constant flow of people and having the ability to still have someone who will keep me from isolating myself. So, although my life is full of changes and others may wonder why, I can say that for myself, a change truly will do me good.